Being Small – Not a Sheep

I’m small. I’m not a sheep. I don’t need an alpha dog to herd me around. And yet the world still can’t figure that out.

When I was in school certain fellow students thought they needed to protect me, shield me from bullies or just assholes. They were well intended. But I didn’t want protection. Certainly never felt I needed it. Though I’m sure if I’d been physically attacked, I would have been pummeled. But strangely enough I was never pummeled, though I am sure violence was threatened against me often enough.

I didn’t desire protection. I didn’t want to be taken care of. Though it seemed my lot to have friends and family view my as helpless or even clueless, as if but not for them I would have died from malnutrition, physical mishap or inattention. Maybe that was true, and I was just too clueless to see it.

They seemed to confuse my lack of interest or my lack of communication on a topic with an inability to understand or function in life. And yet, I managed to stay fed, relatively healthy, unharmed and out of institutions they presumed I would end up in.

When I started working I was treated as one who needed to be led. Commanded. They misunderstood my desire to not lead people (not tell them what to do) with a need or desire to be led. I’m not a cog or a wheel. I’m a complete, independent machine. Neither leader nor follower. Independent.

My independence and vision of the world came from being small, from a need to see the whole picture as I sat in it. How to navigate in a world of bumbling behemoths or chaotic unaware hyenas. I had to navigate it on my own and that meant being a complete self-contained machine. Neither cog nor wheel.

If I have a goal, I know the way. I don’t need to be told. The challenge is that so many who see themselves as born commanders often don’t know how to navigate but command blindly anyway. And those who think they are doers who become followers, sheep, cogs. It ends up being a sickly, symbiotic relationship.

I am both alpha dog and sheep. Self-contained. This confuses people. I have to educated people about being small, to both understand me and to understand that they too can be small and succeed.

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